Complex Burdens
A study on why the call to share life with church family blesses the soul, but also comes with complex burdens.
By Joey Hill
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Complex Burdens
A study on why the call to share life with church family blesses the soul, but also comes with complex burdens.
By Joey Hill
Click anywhere to go to the next page.
The most incredible part of our church is the fact that we are family. The most difficult part of our church is the fact that we are family. Church life and doing church together can be a very dangerous task. Consider the average nuclear family for a minute. Have disagreements ever arose in a family? Have disagreements ever split up families? Have blood relatives gone their separate ways over misunderstandings? The obvious answer is "Yes!" However, as God's people in God's family, He expects us to walk together in brotherly love (1 Thessalonians 4:9; Hebrews 13:1; 2 Peter 1:7). What we learn clearly from scripture is that loving one another is an incredibly high calling — an impossible one to do alone. Due to the fact of our sin, we all operate from a place of brokenness. This is why our own flesh and the fact that we are clear targets for Satan’s schemes, often makes genuine love feel like a pipe dream in the church. While many Christians enjoy relationships that are easily sweet, refreshing, and challenging, those same believers have other relationships that are often hard, confusing, and even draining. Many frustrated people I love experience these kinds of relationships in our church. These relationships aggressively disrupt feelings, leaving those involved critical and bothered. This is especially true when warmth is not reciprocated! Feelings of neglect or indifference tempt us to resent each other. Sometimes we are just down right mean to each other. Yet we are called to love. How can we do this when this burden is so complex? The simple answer is: "We don't, God does!" With these sanctifying relationships, God kindly exposes our pride, while reminding us of His love for us and for the other person. But there are some instructions biblically on what roles we play in the process. That is what this installment lesson is about.
Introduction
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Contents
2 | Introduction
4 | Give thanks for that person.
5 | Be honest about the relationship being hard.
6 | Pray.
7 | Take baby steps to strengthen the relationship.
8 | Ask for help.
9 | Encourage others.
10 | Conclusion
God lovingly commands, “Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you” (1 Thessalonians 5:18). All circumstances? Yes, thank God for this by faith in his goodness, even when you can’t see why this friendship is good for you. James commands us to count all our trials as joy (James 1:2–4). God has strategically placed you in this particular church for a reason and He has placed you in this friendship for some reason. One thing is for sure: it is refining you and your faith (1 Peter 1:6–7).
1. Give Thanks.
Refiner's Fire
It hurts to be refined, but it is necessary for all of us. And ultimately, it really is good for us. By developing a thankful disposition, we will remember that this situation is not a mistake, but is meant to produce praise, glory, and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ. If this sister or brother is a believer, this is emphatically not a competition. Thank God that he’s actively working in both of you to make you more like him.
As she watched the silversmith, he held a piece of silver over the fire and let it heat up. He explained that in refining silver, one needed to hold the silver in the middle of the fire where the flames were hottest as to burn away all the impurities. The woman thought about God holding us in such a hot spot; then she thought again about the verse that says: ‘He sits as a refiner and purifier of silver.’ (Malachi 3:3) She asked the silversmith if it was true that he had to sit there in front of the fire the whole time the silver was being refined. The man answered that yes, he not only had to sit there holding the silver, but he had to keep his eyes on the silver the entire time it was in the fire. The woman was silent for a moment. Then she asked the silversmith, ‘How do you know when the silver is fully refined?’ He smiled at her and answered, ‘Oh, that’s easy — when I see my image in it.’
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So that the tested genuineness of your faith—more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire—may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ. 1 Peter 1:7
Admit that the relationship is complicated and tough. Ignoring or downplaying the difficulty doesn’t do anyone any good. Admit it to yourself, to the Lord, and to the other person. Speak with them privately and directly, as that often clears things up (Matthew 18:15).
As you speak with them, remind them that you care for them and love them. Tell them that having this relationship is good for you and that you want to be consistently vulnerable and honest. Just because the friendship is difficult doesn’t mean bitterness or anger is inevitable. You can still genuinely love each other in the midst of hurt and pain. Make peace with the reality that the complexity might be here to stay. The relationship may never be rainbows and butterflies; it may be consistently stormy. God may have ordained that this relationship will not get better until heaven. Spiritual maturity lies in understanding that happiness is not based on how good of a friendship you have (or don’t have), but how much Christ is being experienced and enjoyed through this.
This is not a new way of thinking. Christians enjoy Christ even in sorrow — “sorrowful, yet always rejoicing” (2 Corinthians 6:10) — since we still live on this side of the final resurrection. Let us beware of idolizing and demanding comfortable relationships from the God who is infinitely wise and good, and who loves us and knows what’s best for us (and who is best for us). Maybe the answer is not another church. Just like Jonah, maybe these difficult relationships will haunt us wherever we run and hide.
2. Be honest about the relationship being hard.
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"Just because the friendship is difficult doesn’t mean bitterness or anger is inevitable."
Prayer is the most talked about and least done in the church in my opinion. What an amazing resource God has made available to His people. A resource that is not so much about changing the mind of God to match our thoughts, but rather through it, He transforms our thoughts into the mind of Christ. (Philippians 2:5-8)
The Lord cares deeply about your relationships. He isn’t expecting you to merely toughen up. He knows the struggle personally, as he walked with and discipled the twelve. Be honest in your prayers — tell him where and how you are struggling to love your friend. Ask the Lord to help you love them — to help you see more of Christ and less of yourself. Ask him to give you the mind of Christ. To remember this is not about your glory.
Ask him to put to death your preferences, especially those that look less like the fruit of the Spirit and more like the flesh. Ask God to reveal your sin. Everyone has blind spots (Hebrews 3:12). Examine your heart for sin. How does it manifest itself in your interactions with this particular friend? You may have to ask your friend for forgiveness. I have to do it on a recurring basis in my ministry. Trust me when I say that this will humble you, but humility is always the path forward (Philippians 2:3). What a beautiful display of the gospel: sinners repenting and asking God and each other for forgiveness. This helps build your life and church into a community of grace and not division. This is why we must Pray! This cannot be an act of our own will, but an answer to prayer as His people seek to desire the things of the Spirit.
3. Pray.
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5 "In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus: 6 Who, being in very nature[a] God, did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage; 7 rather, he made himself nothing by taking the very nature[b] of a servant, being made in human likeness. 8 And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to death— even death on a cross!"
Philippians 2:5-8
Rome wasn't built in a day. It doesn't happen overnight. Don't expect too much too soon. Don't overplay your hand. How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time!
All of these are age-old sayings not necessarily spoken by wise old sages sitting atop mountains on the front porch of their temples. These are rather heard by children from every corner of society through their Parents teaching them the value that "Patience is a virtue." I'm sure your parent has said one of those quotes to you as well.
I try to live by the philosophy, "Just do the Next Right thing!" Seek what the next step is in the process. When it comes to relationships, we should seek to find the next "right thing" to do. We should seek little ways to improve the relationship. Don’t hold on tightly to our ideal friendship. Initiate interaction.
Don’t lose heart when you get the cold shoulder. Greet them warmly every Sunday. It’s interesting that Paul commands us to greet one another with a holy kiss (Romans 16:16; 1 Corinthians 16:20; 2 Corinthians 13:12; 1 Thessalonians 5:26). When sin divides relationships, greetings are often the first thing to be neglected. Think of every greeting as a baby step in improving the relationship so far as it depends on you (Romans 12:18).
4. Take baby steps to strengthen the relationship.
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“Where no counsel [is], the people fall: but in the multitude of counselors [there is] safety.” – Proverbs 11:14
Together, ask a godly person — one who is unafraid to speak the truth in love — to mediate. When unhealthy and bitter thoughts fester, speaking to a neutral party helps you hear your own thoughts out loud and evaluate them. By combating unclear, unhelpful, or sinful thoughts, the third person blesses the effort to kill sin and to bring love to the struggling friendship. In many cases, you may have to go outside of the church to find a true mediator that would have zero percent skin in the game. If helpful, include multiple people. Surround yourself with wise counsel. They can guard you from reading into things and assuming the worst.
I actually have many pastors that I allow to speak into my life from time to time. Almost all of them come from different schools of thought on just about every subject. Sometimes I cringe when they call and ask how things are going. For half of them, I know they would not approve of how I'm handling things, while the other half would. So I hesitate at answering their calls sometimes. However, that is what I signed up for when I asked them to hold me accountable. I know at a moments notice, I could call and have a group of them show up if I needed help with an unhealthy relationship. That is why you want to make sure you are not surrounding yourself with people who see things as you do. As it has been said, "Iron sharpens iron." (Proverbs 27:17)
5. Ask for help.
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Your own struggles present a unique opportunity to model God’s work for others. Carefully, without making yourself a hero and without sinfully gossiping, use your relationship to encourage other believers who have similar struggles. Encourage them to rejoice in God, examine their hearts, and ask for help so that they too may experience the goodness of God in Christ.
God commanded that his people encourage each other because he knows we need it. In the Gospel of John, Jesus warned that “in this world, you will have trouble,” which he then followed with a much-needed encouragement: “But take heart; I have overcome the world” (John 16:33). As mentioned earlier in the lesson, everyone functions from broken world perspective where everything calls us toward selfishness and despair. Sin steals joy, our bodies break down, our plans falter, our dreams die, our resolve weakens, our perspective dims. I have seen in my experience in ministry when encouragement is absent from the life of a church people will feel unloved, unimportant, useless, and forgotten. God knows his people are in need of encouraging reminders, so he calls us to encourage each other every day until his Son returns (Heb. 3:13).
Though we all have difficult relationships, God’s grace is always sufficient. Be especially prayerful, strategic, and gracious in your difficult friendships, guarding vigilantly against indifference and bitterness. Take heart, rejoice, and persevere in love, knowing that God is able to give us the grace we need in each relationship.
5. Encourage the other believers.
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What do I do when I can't worship with people I disagree with?
Why do I feel like just going it alone and seeking God on my own without a church?
In the end, our struggles can mess with our worship and we may even struggle with thinking we could do much better without all the hassles of Church. But the reality is this, the Bible shows a much better way. A way that makes God the centerpiece of our lives rather than focusing on the difficult things around us. Running away from problems only means we lose the opportunity to learn from them and therefore guarantee their return. Difficult relationships will be there where ever you go in life. Why not let the church be the place you learn how to use them for the glory of God? Remember, no one has the power to upset us, they can only agitate what was already lying dormant. In the end, God chooses to work on you before He works on someone else. He wants us to live within and trust in the supremacy of Christ no matter how uncomfortable the "Refiner's Fire" can be at times.
Conclusion:
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